I know there are at least two people who enjoy reading the updates and whines that I used to provide on a fairly un-regular basis, so I apologize to those two people for my three month hiatus. The rest of you gawkers can just suck it.
At night when I am drifting off to sleep, sometimes I bolt straight awake with the thought that things are just happening TOO FAST. I am sure that happens to every person once in a while, but it happens to me all the time. I will wander the house or flail in bed thinking of all the years I have just WASTED, and how the ones I have left are falling away at a faster pace every day.
Lord help me if I stop to think about the age of my parents, the age of my cats or the age of my husband. I will scrub the kitchen floor at three a.m and plan out what I will do when one of the cats dies, when I have to deal with my elderly parents, what sort of casket will the boyband want?
I know this is unhealthy and silly and borderline manic, and I wish I knew how to quiet that Monkey Mind that races around and keeps me up all night worrying.
Us Simpson’s are worriers. We are not enjoyers. And that seems quite unfair to this little sleep deprived far from death girl.
Winter is long in Maine. Just as long, perhaps longer, than winter in Montana. There is a 15 foot pile of snow just over my back fence that I glare at every single day I leave the house. There is no promise of Spring peeking its way through the clouds in the forms of buds or grass. There is only snow, dirty snow, and crusty ice clumped in the corners and crannies of everything.
The boyband and I are house hunting. I have suggested that we show up to houses in pith helmets with spears, but the boyband does not find me amusing. Every day I hear on the news how hard it is to get a mortgage these days, how tough it is for first time home buyers to come up with the money in our flailing economy, but that is not the case for us. The hard part is finding a house that we both want to live in. Buying a house here means I am staying here and not going home. Buying a house here means that another bit of my life is falling away and buying a house means even more nights of pacing the floor and scrubbing windows with ammonia.
I wish I knew the way to stop worrying. To start enjoying. I think that would help a lot. But for now I am going to go and bite a nail or two and scan the trees outside for buds. Even though it is snowing. Again.
